No matter how my day goes, I Am Enough.
Yesterday was one of those days that should have been a good day, nay, it should have been a great. But instead it was the complete opposite.
This week has been hard on the kids. Weather is all sorts of crazy, and with packing things up the kids have just been out of sorts. Because of a crazy work schedule for Adam this week he was able to take Wednesday off. So we decided there was going to be no packing, no cleaning and no stress. We had a few errands to run and then the rest of the day was going to be for eating out for lunch and going to the zoo.
We woke up Wednesday at 6:30 a.m. to the kids grumpy and yelling (my kids normally sleep in till 8-8:30), which of course is no parents dream way to wake up. It is pouring rain and the power is out. We all get up and try our best to get ready, but frankly I am just plain ol’ grumpy and I’m stomping around sputtering about how angry I am and why does this day have to start out so wrong, and how hard it is to do makeup in the dark. I go out to the kitchen where Adam is attempting to feed the kids breakfast, cold cereal and gogurts (one of our errands is grocery shopping, because we were out of just about everything). The kids of course refuse this because they don’t like cold cereal, and well I don't know why they didn't eat their gogurts. We get the kids ready for the day and there is a huge screaming battle with #LivyLu. We make it out to the car, but of course we all get soaked and this makes the kids even more grumpy. And then we are on the road.
We stop off at my Grandparents' because we needed to borrow their car and trailer so Adam could go pick up a washer and dryer for our new place. This should have been a 40 minute errand, so he left #ClaraBelle, #OBoy and myself (he would have left #LivyLu too but she threw a massive screaming tantrum and booked it down the street after him when my back was turned, I was completely mortified) at my Grandma’s to visit. But it ended up being close to a four hour project. From there the day just got progressively worse and in no way was it the stress free, family fun day any of us had hoped it would be.
I was on the phone with my mom this morning telling her some cute stories about the kids, and updating her on all the happenings in the family. And then she asked, “how is packing going?” A simple question, but it opened the floodgates to all my stress. I told her about how hard it’s been with the kids, how tired I am and how I just feel like I am not actually accomplishing anything.
She then told me about how when she was a young mom she heard once that many moms felt that way. That they go about their whole day, busy, active and rushing around, yet nothing actually gets done. So someone suggested to keep a piece of paper and pen somewhere you walk by often; once every hour or couple hours stop and write down everything that you have done. Everything. From wiping noses, changing diapers, picking up toys, running lunch to your husband, checking the mail, cleaning up spilled milk, everything that you do.
My mom told me about how she had tried that a few times (I have no memory at all of her doing this, but I’m so glad that she did, because my mom in my eyes is one of the most AH-MAZING women out there). She told me how every time she was so surprised by how much she had done. And then she challenged me to try it out.
So I did. I kept a paper and pencil on my kitchen island and every time I walked by I wrote down one or two things that I had done. Never was it anything grand or huge. I wrote down things like:
Changed diapers
Brushed teeth with my girls and attempted to sing the “Brush Your Teeth Song” but ended up making up the lyrics, making the girls laugh
Sat on the floor and ate snacks with my girls
Read a book to #ClaraBelle.
Went to the bathroom by myself (woohoo!)
Ran a load of laundry
Made faces at #OBoy to cheer him up during his after-nap snack
Comforted #ClaraBelle when she stood up and hit her head on a drawer of the kitchen island
Danced in the rain with #LivyLu and #ClaraBelle.
Painted nails with the girls before bed
Read #OBoy a book
Nothing I did was huge or substantial, but I ended my day with a paper full of little things that I accomplished today. And that feels really good.
I remember a couple months ago, sitting in my counselor's office telling her how much I love to create To Do lists and I love the satisfaction of checking things off; but that I just didn't feel that I was accomplishing anything, and that at the end of every day my list had no check marks and I felt like a failure. I remember telling her how much I love my sweet kiddos but sometimes it just feels like they are holding me back from doing anything. She challenged me to stop making checklists and to just focus on doing what I can do and let that be enough. So I did that, but here I am months later and feeling like I am struggling with the same thing, ending my days feeling unaccomplished.
I think as women, me especially, we think that we need to do big, grand things that will shape and mold the lives of our children, and when our days our filled with little tasks rather than seeing projects through start to finish, we get down on ourselves because “we aren't doing enough”. But here I sit with a page full, and I do mean full, of everything I did. And somehow a list of 50 small things accomplished feels so much more satisfying than a checklist of a few big things with that big “magical” check mark next to it.
Gordon B. Hinckley, former president of the LDS church, said in a church-wide conference in October of 2003:
Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient.
We all feel that way. I feel that way as I speak to you tonight. I long for, I pray for the power and the capacity to lift you, to inspire you, to thank you, to praise you, and to bring a measure of gladness into your hearts.
We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do.
You are doing the best you can, and that best results in good to yourself and to others. Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure. Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do. Then leave the matter in the hands of the Lord. You will discover that you have accomplished something beyond price.
I think it’s natural to want to make a difference, to do “big things” and to have huge accomplishments on our resumes. But as mom’s we don’t get to see what all our hard work and accomplishments of little tasks will add up to in years to come. So in the impatience of day after day tasks and the frustrations of no change after all our hard work (someone told me to get my kids involved in making dinner and they will most likely eat dinner, so tonight #LivyLu helped me season the fries, mix the salad and stir the juice, and all she ate were her strawberries……) we think that what we are doing is not enough. LIES. It is all lies. Because you, my dear, are enough. And what you do is enough. And what you have is enough.
Ladies, do not let the frustrations of everyday allow thoughts that "you are not enough" cloud your vision of what you are really doing. Take the challenge to write down everything you do, and allow yourself to see how truly amazing you are.
Do not let unmarked checklists determine whether your day was “successful or not”, because that does not and should not ever determine your success in life. Allow what you have done, and the influence you have on the lives you touch, be enough.
Do not for a moment believe that what you do is not enough, because you are. You are enough. And what you do is great.
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