Raw Motherhood

I spent twenty-one years thinking about how dreamy it sounded to be a mother. To lounge around and play with my sweet little babies sent from Heaven. One night while pregnant with my first, overwhelmed with the hormones and stress that come with pregnancy, I found myself bawling on my husbands shoulder (poor guy, he grew up with brothers; he hadn't a clue about how to deal with a woman's hormones- nonetheless he is still my dream boat). I dont remember much of the conversation, but I do remember exclaiming, "This is nothing like the movies!!!" And from that day forward, it has been nothing like the movies or my childish dreams. 

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Don't get me wrong, this is still the profession of my choice, and I couldn't imagine devoting my life to anything else. Golly I just love those kiddos of mine SO STINKIN' MUCH! But let's not let that cloud the reality that motherhood means a constant battle with poop, tears, and finding stinky things you dont even question where they came from. 

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I have had depression my whole life, and at times I have had to be hospitalized and on pretty heavy meds for it. I've done on and off counseling my whole life and chocolate is my best friend. Pregnancy brings out the worst of it, and sleep deprivation is no help. Some of my depression comes from this feeling of being completely alone in my struggles, and as if I can't compare to the amazing mothers around me. I've had to come to the realization that motherhood is more than the cute dimples and pics filled with laughter I see on Instagram, and that much of what mothers go through is not shared. I struggle with comparing my seemingly hard and never ending problems with the snapshots of the women around me and feeling the need to be perfect.

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My writing is a way for me to get out my struggles as well as the daily laughs and joys of motherhood without any filters, or hiding what my days really looks like. This blog is not so much to talk about my sweet kiddos (although I love doing that), this is an account of how the joys and struggles of motherhood affect me. My hope is to help other mothers who are in the same boat as me see that you are not alone. 

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I am RAW. My life is PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. My struggles are REAL, and I am not alone in them. I have gratitude for my struggles. I cherish the happy moments. I AM A MOTHER who is loving every moment of it.

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The people I call mine:

ADAM: We met in middle school and I thought he was a complete nerd and anything but cute. Fast forward two years at my first church dance, he was the only boy to ask me to dance, and once I saw past the sweat plastered hair on his forehead and the nerdy conversation on Star Wars I was head over heals for him. We flirted for years, texted relentlessly when he moved away, I stalked the mailman for two years while he served a faithful mission, and after seven and half years we finally got a date. Barely three weeks later we were engaged and four months later we were married on Valentine's Day. He is my nerdy dream boat with the world's hottest butt! He loves and supports me in everything I do, and he is the only person to make me laugh so hard I peed my pants. Golly I love that guy.

#LivyLu: My first born. She is a spitfire full of independence, sass, and determination to have things her way. She is a chocolate addict like her mother. She loves musicals, soaking up fresh air, and going on adventures. She can never get enough reading. She never stops going and she is my sunshine.

#ClaraBelle: This sweet girl hates the word no, has a mind of her own and a real attitude. She lives for cuddles, loves to be teased and chased. Her world is over if she can not do the same things as her sister (who she looks up to and adores more than anyone in this world). She is a daddy's girl. She seeks to be loved by everyone around her, has the sweetest giggle and the most beautiful eyes of any child I have ever known.

#OBoy: He changed my opinion on little boys, and seriously is the sweetest babe you have ever seen. He loves his food, but struggles to keep it down. He is a master of pooping in silence and hiding the stink, but don't be fooled. Those diapers can make a grown man cry- they are that potent. He lights up when you sing to him, has the most contagious laugh, and lives to hold hands with his mama.