To the mom out there who is sick- whether with a nasty bug go around (like me!) or pregnancy, or exhaustion, or any kind of sickness; to the mom who has can’t remember the last time she got more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and the mom who is sneaking ice cream in bed while her kids are napping because it’s just been one of those days (also me!), to the mom exhausted, filled with guilt and basically to any mom out there who is just a little stressed right now for whatever reason- stop the mom guilt because your children don’t see it.
I woke up this morning after a night of one hour intervals of sleep, because basically my kids don’t sleep anymore, with a maintenance man knocking on the door to come look at a leak in my daughters window. I quickly threw on my robe and glasses and invited him in. We walked into my daughters room and #LivyLu (who apparently had been awake for a while) had toys strewn across the bedroom and her bed was in complete disarray and to top it off was crouched down and very loudly announced “I’M POOPING!”. #ClaraBelle was jumping up in her bed till she saw the strange man and freaked out. Luckily #OBoy slept through it all. After a very awkward conversation about what he needed to do to fix the window while I stood there holding a very wiggly toddler and trying my hardest to keep covered up in my robe, and my daughter filling the air with a nasty smell, he finally left. And as soon as he did the nausea from this dang flu bug kicked right in followed by the cramps of shark week (double whammy- yikes!).
The kids then started pulling on me and shouting “I’m hungry” and hugging their stomachs while they doubled over as if they haven't eaten in days (guess you should have eaten your dinner last night). I haphazardly threw a bunch of things into a blender with a prayer that it would taste decent and called it breakfast, and when the kids asked for a cookie after I let them each have one because when your head is pounding you do what it takes to keep all noise at a minimum. The kids stayed in pj’s till 11, and the apartment has yet to be cleaned. I asked my wonderful husband to take #ClaraBelle to her post-op appointment, and when he offered to take #LivyLu to work with him for the second half of the day I didn’t object. I am still in my robe.
As I’m laying here in bed eating ice cream in hope that will take away the cramps (it doesn't, but it sure tastes good!) my initial reaction to my day is guilt. From where I stand I have failed at so many things today and in no way been a good mom.
But I have to take a step back and realize that in the eyes of my sweet kiddos they don’t see it that way.
Breakfast was a “milkshake” in front of their favorite TV show, and then they got a cookie at 9 am. In my eyes, I could have at least thrown spinach into the blender but I didn’t so my kids are most likely never going to eat a healthy breakfast again. But in their eyes, woohoo! Who doesn't want “milkshakes” and cookies for breakfast?
When #LivyLu and #ClaraBelle slide the mattress off the bed to make slide, I turned my back because bending over makes me want to upchuck and I frankly don’t have the energy to attempt cleaning it up. In my eyes all I see is bad parenting (I sat down on the couch so I didn’t have to look at the mess and waited for the inevitable tears when they slide into each other). But to my kiddos they are just having a blast together. I mean come on, an extra long extra springy mattress makes a great slide when you land in a pile of blankets and pillows.
When my husband had to come home from work to take #ClaraBelle to her appointment, again major mom guilt with the added wife guilt. But in my kids' eyes they were getting time with Daddy after he has had many late nights away at work.
And now when I’m sitting in bed dying a slow death from the stomach flu (maybe that was over dramatized, but guys I didn’t hardly sleep last night, my whole life feels over dramatized right now), I could feel guilty about not cleaning up anything, but in reality my son sees me snuggling up close with him in a really comfortable bed choosing him over anything else right now.
Ladies, there seriously is way too much mom guilt in this world. It comes from social media comparisons, expectations of what we “should” do or who we “think” we should be, and overall not living up to the opinions of others. You don’t need to be putting guilt on yourself at home, because in reality, our kids don’t.
I read a mommy blog once where she said “Before I had kids, I’d feel guilty about something every once in a while. Since I’ve had kids I haven’t stopped feeling guilty…” (link below to the post, it’s AH-MAZING!) When I read that I felt a chord struck inside of me, because that is exactly how I felt. Before I was a mom I knew what guilt felt like, but I honestly can't remember a time that I felt it. Now that I am a mom, I can’t remember a day that I don't feel guilty. Guilty for not playing with my kids, guilty for the mess, for the times I raised my voice, for taking time for myself, for something someone said to me, and guilty for not living up to my own expectations. If I am going to ever stop the mom guilt, I need to realize (which is so extremely hard for me to embrace as an inner perfectionist) that I am only human, which means that I am not perfect.
I came across this ad the other day and it made me cry (because since having babies everything makes me cry), but I thought the message was so much deeper than just simply a Pandora commercial:
In this video these children don't need to be able to see to know who their mother’s are, and it’s because kids feel more than they see. When we have a day when the messes just keep piling up, or a day when we doubt our self worth, or when we don’t meet the expectations in our heads, remember those are not what our children see. They feel the moment’s we hold them close, the moments we put down the spoon from stirring the soup to get them a glass of juice, the times when we get up in the middle of the night to calm their cries, and all the times we choose them over ourselves. Your children see a loving mother, and they feel the joy in moments where memories are made.
So to all you mothers out there, let go of the guilt. Let go of the images and expectations that we hold ourselves to. Allow yourself to live in the moment, to recognize and be comfortable with your imperfections and take just a moment to view your day through your child’s eyes. Because chances are they won’t see the guilt that you feel; they will see a loving mother.
One more final thought on this matter: If comparison is the thief of joy, then mom guilt is the thief of joyful moments (mommyconvos.com).
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