I woke up this morning feeling the need to share something very personal with anyone who might be reading this. So here it goes.
When Adam and I were engaged we were both in school. He was studying communications, and I, child development. BYU-Idaho is on a three-semester track system where each student is assigned two tracks out of the year to attend school. We decided to defer our winter track to get married. And since we were not assigned the spring track that gave us till the next fall to save up for school and just enjoy the first few months of marriage. Best decision we ever made!
We were married in the Seattle temple, and since we both grew up in the area and loved it, and that’s where my family lives, we decided to just stay in Washington till we headed back to school. (Also pay is much higher in Washington than it is in Idaho.) We found a cute little guest house that some friends rented to us for an amazing deal, and we both got jobs right away. Adam worked in lawn care and I was a nanny to two of the sweetest girls. We loved our time in Washington.
When we moved to Idaho we were somewhere between four and five months pregnant with #LivyLu.I remember the day we moved into our apartment. I cried after taking two steps into the door. I hated it. I cried off and on for the next month over how much I loathed it, but it was my home now, so one day I told myself enough is enough. I got onto Pinterest and I have been decorating and switching up furniture arrangements ever since trying to make our TINY apartment feel like a home. We were both in school that semester, but that was my last semester (it really was never my intention to get a degree). My pregnancy was easy for the most part, no morning sickness, just weird things like sudden loss of energy and becoming very shaky. #LivyLu was born just a few weeks before we celebrated our first anniversary.
Adam continued in school and worked as many jobs and hours as he could (seriously he amazes me every single day with his selfless love for his family- golly I love that guy). I had lots of feelings that we should start trying for a second. But I was loving my time with one perfect little girl. I didn’t want to rush anything or miss out on any one on one time with her; plus I was terrified of the idea of becoming a mom of two.
One day while out for a walk with a friend who had three littles of her own, I felt the need to ask her how she knew she was ready for a second. She shared a beautiful story with me and then her testimony that when we follow the promptings God gives us, He blesses us. It was while we were walking that this warm feeling came over me and I heard God say to me “I will always take care of you.” I talked to Adam and we just knew we were ready. Three and a half months later we had a miscarriage. That feeling is one I will never forget. I was confused, hurt and I felt as though I had failed in some way. But that voice came back into my heart and said “I will always take care of you.”
I remember one night about a week after #LivyLu was sleeping and Adam was working late, I fell to my knees bawling for what seemed like a really long time. I poured out my whole heart and I told Him how hurt I was. After I had said all that I could say, a warm feeling swept over me, the tears stopped and I felt the arms of God wrap around me. It was then I felt the need to try again and the name of my next daughter was revealed to me. One month later the stick showed a positive pregnancy.
My pregnancy with #ClaraBelle felt as though it would never end (why is it that each pregnancy laggs longer and longer?). When she was born that same warmth that I felt the night I poured my heart out to God rushed over to me again, and I
knew that He really was taking care of me. I was now a mom of two beautiful girls barely nineteen months apart. My life would never be the same… also my laundry pile would never be the same.
Adam was coming up on graduation soon, just two more semesters! Golly there was an end in sight! We loved our experience at BYU-Idaho, every minute of it. That truly is a inspired spirit-filled school and we have nothing bad to say about our time on campus. But let's be honest, the college life is rough (to say the least), especially with a family. Adam went to the temple one Saturday, and when he came home he was quiet. He didn’t say much that day. I tried not to read into it much, I had lots to keep me busy. That night after we had put the girls to bed, I was sitting on my bed sorting some papers when Adam asked if we could talk. He told me about his experience at the temple and the peace he felt while he was there. And then he said something I never expected to hear. He said he felt it was time to try for a third. WHAT???? We had a daughter who was not yet two and another we was just a few months old. We were living paycheck to paycheck and barely surviving with the help of scholarships and pell grants. Our apartment was small the day we moved in, and now it felt even smaller with two little babies, and he wanted to have a third??? I didn’t say anything for about ten minutes. I just sat there wide eyed going over all the cons of having a third in my head. But then that same familiar feeling of warmth swept over me. “I will always take care of you.”
“When should we start trying?” I couldn’t believe that just came out of my mouth, but I did not doubt, because God had always taken care of us. Why would He stop now? A few months later we found out we were pregnant, just a month and a half before Adam graduated.
We had everything set up perfectly for after graduation, a job, a beautiful town home that was more than double the size of our current place. And then one day plans changed. Adam got a contract that he couldn’t sign his name to and we ended up having to turn down the job. He quickly went out and grabbed a journalist position at the local newspaper and we set out on what has become a 19-month long period of applying and being rejected from job after job, or having to turn down jobs because they just did not feel right.
This past fall was the scariest time of my life. Adam was working a job that was underpaid, we were still in our tiny little apartment (the same one that caused tears upon stepping into), we had a 2 ½ year old daughter and another who had just turned a year old. We were in our third trimester with #OBoy, no prospects of a new job or home, and a bank account that was quickly dwindling. How could we afford a third baby? Especially when we already have two in diapers (we tried potty training and that failed miserably). I quickly turned to doubt. Maybe we had misinterpreted the whole thing, maybe we rushed into things getting pregnant with another kid. I felt lost and in a darker place than I had ever been in my life. My days were filled with tears, anger, confusion, and all I wanted was hope.
Then there was this Tuesday morning, I had woke up early and was mentally listing all the things we needed to get for our baby on the way (we were just six or seven weeks out from his due date and we had next to nothing for him). Adam came into the room and asked if we could say a prayer before he left for work. I said it. I gave a pretty typical prayer, but before I ended it I said, “please help us find some good deals on baby clothes.” I didn't know why I said that, it just came out.
Adam left and I stayed in bed. #LivyLu and #ClaraBelle are late sleepers so I had some time to ponder and think. I hopped onto Facebook, and on a local mom page I asked if anyone knew of places having good sales on boy clothes, or if anyone was selling any used clothes. Within an hour I had over 20 comments telling me where all the good deals were. By lunch I had received three private messages from women telling me they had some baby clothes that they would like to give me. After dinner that night Adam and I packed up the girls and drove around to these women’s homes picking up what we thought we be just a few grocery size bags of clothes. Instead we got multiple boxes and garbage bags OVERFLOWING with clothes, both new and used, all in very good condition. I cried, all night I cried. A few days later I got a message from a woman in California, someone who I had never met. She saw another post on Facebook, where I had had asked on a different mom page for budgeting tips and how to maximize small budgets. She said she had something for me and asked for my address. Normally I would disregard messages from strangers asking for my address but for some unknown reason I gave it to her. A week later a card showed up in the mail. The card was full of answers to my prayers, full of things I have no idea how she knew but it filled me with peace and reassured God’s love for me. Inside the card was also a
very odd amount of cash, but that odd amount ended up being the exact amount (down to the penny) we needed to survive the month. Over the next few weeks, gifts, cards of love, and food showed up at our door. Baby items we needed were on extreme clearance and by the time our little #OBoy was born we had everything we needed (and more) without breaking the bank.
Here we are coming up on a year since Adam graduated, still applying for jobs left and right, doing job interview after job interview, getting one rejection after another. We are still in our tiny apartment (and boy does it feel cramped these days), we are still living paycheck to paycheck, it is still hard to feel hope in the future (all I want is to know when we get to move on and be out of this trial). It is hard to stay hopeful every day, it is hard to be optimistic and not let disappointment taint my days, it is hard to smile and be grateful for what I have. I have to wake up every day and fight the depression. I have to look past the fear of not knowing what will happen in the next six months, let alone in the next couple weeks. But I do not doubt. I remind myself everyday of that time I was walking with a friend and I heard God say, “I will always take care of you.”
Adam and I are coming up on four years of marriage and I never in a million years thought I would be celebrating it with three littles to wrap my arms around. I always dreamed of being a mother, but I never thought I would have three kids at the age of 24. The day we moved into our apartment I really thought we would live out our contract and then be out of here; yet here we are three and a half years later. But looking back on my life with Adam, oh how I wouldn’t change one second of heartache or anything we have been through for anything.
Life is hard and it is unpredictable. Marriage is hard, it takes work every second of every day; it’s not all romance and shared laughter. Being an optimistic and grateful wife when your husband is in a career we did not plan for, and keeping hope for jobs when it seems you have already applied to everything that is out there is hard. Being a mom is straight up hard. And having three, three and under is INSANE! But my family is being taken care of every second of every day. We have joy, we love our life and we have gratitude.
To any mom’s out there who are not where they wanted or planned on being, to any couple who are struggling with underemployment, to anyone who wonders if God is really there and hears your prayers, “Don’t you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead.” (Jeffrey R. Holland)
Some days I have to wake up and solely focus on the fact that there are three kids that need diapers changed and food to fill their bellies. Some days that’s all I can do. Many days it feels as though God has forgotten us and life will forever be this one struggle we cannot seem to get away from. But there is joy in all things. God has a plan, I know not what it is but I know that he will always take care of my family.
God loves you. You are not forgotten. There are blessings beyond imagination waiting for you if you just endure a little longer.
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