Today was….. Well it was long. Everyone seemed to be short on patience, there was yelling and screaming (regrettably from all parties), it was hot (I don't do heat, bring back the 40 and 50 degree weather please!!!!), it was exhausting and so very frustrating.
We had plans to hang out with some friends, eat ice cream sandwiches (why I thought I could make those from scratch in the middle of summer, I don't know. And just so you know the melted chocolate ice cream all over my counter is going to stay there till tomorrow because I’m choosing my battles), and go to the splash pad. About 5 pm, the time we normally are sitting down for dinner, however not tonight because I was having a cool off in my room; I decided that we really needed to just switch things up. We needed to get out as a family; but not around other people, someplace were it was just us so we could go at our own speed, talk freely, not be “tied down” to plans, and really just be us.
So I cancelled our plans, threw together my go-to summer dinner; bacon and pea pasta ranch salad, if you haven't tried it you are living half a life because it’s a summer staple and lifesaver in our house. Then we got ready to go; which was quite the event all in it’s own, again a lot more yelling, having to mentally talk myself out of quickly cleaning up each mess I walked past, and a lot of stepping into the other room to breath and remember that going out was better than forcing my kids to go to bed at 6:30.
Eventually we made it out the door, #OBoy with his pants crooked, #ClaraBelle loaded up with toys, I didn't have the energy for the fight of making her put them back in the apartment. And #LivyLu with my socks spilling over the heels of her shoes (quite a comical sight actually but again, I wasn't about to put the energy forth to go look for properly fitting socks).
As we started out #ClaraBelle began to blow raspberries and soaking the back of my headrest, and #LivyLu gave us the lowdown on how the drive was too long and it was making her stomach hurt (that’s her latest excuse to get out of things). So in order to get myself to a place where I could actually, hopefully, fingers crossed, enjoy this outing with my family I tuned out my kiddos and just allowed myself to enjoy a little chat with Adam as we wound through the countryside to the trail head of Cress Creek (a popular and easy hike, great for young kiddos, because the first half isn't that steep and it’s paved).
We got to the parking lot, wrestled our kiddos to slather them in sunscreen, talked about how to hike safely (stay on the trail, watch out for wildlife, don't pick the flowers, don't run too far ahead, etc), and then we were off. Within the first two minutes most of the rules were forgotten and broken but again, I just had to breathe and let go. We chugged up the trail at a painfully slow pace, but eventually we made it to our destination.
About ⅓ up the trail there is a shaded flat area where the creek runs wide and slow (it stays warm year round allowing the water cress to grow, hence the name Cress Creek). Adam helped each of the kids take off their shoes and into the water, while I found a place to sit and watch. For thirty minutes it was just us. It was quiet, cool, the kids were laughing soaking up the moment splashing about and making “boats” out of sticks (as their diapers soaked up a LOT of water), and even I found myself, for the first time all day, smiling.
Packing up was a headache, we lost a shoe, #LivyLu argued a lot, #ClaraBelle was emotional for some unknown reason, #OBoy was dropping cookie crumbs down Adam's back while soaking his shoulders from his wet pants, and the magic of escaping life to play in the creek was instantly lost. But at the end of the day, a very long, exhausting, mess-filled day, I have thirty minutes worth of smiles that I can hold onto.
As I'm sitting here typing this I have Pandora playing, and a favorite song of mine just came on. In the chorus they sing,
The world's just spinning
A little too fast
If things don't slow down soon
we might not last
So just for the moment
let's be still
“Let’s be still”, this is exactly what I need. Today was a whirlwind of emotions, mostly on the negative side. It seemed like the frustrations of the day would never end, but at the same time I just couldn't keep up with my kids, the house work, the time of day, or really anything. But as I'm sitting here, my kiddos all snoring in the next room, Adam, with a childlike giddiness, sorting Legos so he can start on his next big build; I’m laying in bed with a fan blowing directly on me and having just finished a cup of chocolate ice cream, getting my first moment of the day to just be still.
No one ever tells you what it’s truly like to be a parent. They don't go into the exhaustion, the frustrations, or the emotions. No one warns you of the days that seem to never end. And no one ever ever tells you how to deal with the pangs of failure that you will feel on the hard days. I was not prepared. And almost five years into this parenting thing, I’m still not prepared. That’s why I am so grateful for the moments that I can be still. That I can slow down and just melt into my 3 inch memory foam on top of a pillow top mattress . That I can eat ice cream and listen to my favorite Pandora channel. But more than anything I am grateful that God blessed me with thirty minutes (however short it may have seemed) to forget it all and smile.
Believe me when I say that there is no other way I would rather spend my life than to be with my family, cleaning, laughing, enduring and building our own kind of wonderful together. But that doesn't mean that there wont be days when I wish I could step away and just be me, or just be the wife of my best friend. It doesn't mean that I won't have moments where I hide away in my room fighting thoughts of failure and “what have I gotten myself into”. And however sweet and wonderful my kiddos are, there are the days I have to straight up say that they were not cute and elicited a lot more of my energy than I was prepared to give. Motherhood, parenting, life is so hard, tricky, mean, challenging and unexpected. Sometimes I find myself looking up towards heaven and wondering why? Why must it be this way? Why must I go through this? After all I have already dealt with, did He really have to allow this to happen? And every time He always sends me little moments, opportunities to smile and laugh, and chances to just be still to help me reset, refocus and remember what I am working for. And as I end this day, truly exhausted, I find myself filled with gratitude for a day like today.
While it was nothing like I would have hoped for, days like today remind me how truly bad I want this life, and just how much I am willing to do and fight through to build this life of mine and show my kiddos just how much I love them. And in the middle of my fight I was blessed with the opportunity to smile, to bask in the little ones who make my life so full, to sit back and be still.
Don't forget to be still, and especially don't forget to look for those snapshots of joy we are all blessed with to remind us what we are fighting for. Life will forever have its hard days, but equally it will always have moments of pure, uninterrupted, perfect joy.
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