In NOOOOOO way are either Adam and I experts or even great at raising kids. I mean, really the only person out their who was truly great at it was Mary Poppins (big fan) but she is fictional so it's not like she's a good person to base my parenting off of. But in the four years, 2 months and 11 days that we have been experimenting at this, we have accidentally and by the pure grace of God figured out a few things that ACTUALLY WORK! So out of pride and the illusion that we try to push to those around us that "We are experts in our field" here's a few of our best tips.
Create an environment full of laughter.
We strongly believe that laughter is the key to get through any day, no matter the trials, the level of stinky diaper stench, the height of the laundry pile (both dirty, and the pile waiting to be folded), or when you start counting the hours till bedtime but than realize that the day only started 28 minutes ago. Laughter fixes nothing, but it does shift the tension, the stress and your attitude. Aside from that I just have a deep testimony that God created us to enjoy life. Laugh often. Laugh in front of your kids. Involve your kids in attempts to make others laugh (my kids get the biggest kick out of playing "tricky tricks" on Daddy).
Emotions are good. All emotions.
Growing up I had this deep desire to be perfect all the time. So when I felt sad, or angry, or jealous, I tried to hide it. Not because anyone ever told me to, or taught me that, it's just the way I was a kid; and that lasted way into my young adult life. Till one day I when I was in with a counselor, she connected a personal story to something I had said, and I realized that I am not different, or weird, all my emotions are NORMAL! So to save my kids from every potentially feeling strange, or wrong for feeling a certain way, we try to talk about it. When one of our kiddos is happy we try to ride the high. But when one feels angry or mad, we try to talk about it and say "it's ok to feel a little hot inside, and for your hands to make tight fists"; however we usually remove our kids from the situation and give them some time to work off that emotion before we talk about it. Or when they are embarrassed we talk about how that is a not good feeling, and it can make us sad and want to hide, and then we try to talk through the situation and normalize it by connecting and hopefully help the embarrassment lessen or help them move past it.
Let kids comfort you.
Going along with normalizing emotions, Adam and I try not to hide our emotions from our kids. So if I feel overwhelmed or sad, I am not shy about crying in front of my kids, and without a doubt, they always come over and huge me, rub my back, or bring me a blanket so we can all snuggle. Let your kids take care of you, give them opportunities to practice the skills you are teaching them. Give them the opportunity to feel and act upon that wonderful childlike compassion and empathy.
Encourage each other.
Take every opportunity to encourage your children. Let them know you are proud of them, you think they are beautiful or handsome, that they have a role in the family, that they have talents, that they make you happy. My kids always light up when I say something like "I am happy today because you are in my life".
But it goes further than just encouraging growth and confidence in your children, it's important to also teach them to do it back. Adam and I try not to hide all "adult conversations" from our kids (I mean yes, some are better to be saved till the kids go to bed, or behind a closed door). When I decorate a cake and doubt if it looks "good" because I've set such high expectations for myself in my head, or Adam feels the weight of juggling it all, we openly uplift and point out the good, show a different perspective and encourage each other. We believe that when our kids see the process of communication and encouragement in adults, they will (fingers crossed) be more immune to do the same as they get older and come across their own struggles in school, talent development, with relationships, and hopefully all aspects of their life.
Quiet time is good.
Have you ever just gone for a drive, with no music, no movie with a kiddo? It is AH-MAZING what they will pick up, and the "deep toddler thoughts" that lead into the best conversations. The other day we drove by a farm and there were some cows, and that lead to a conversation about the size of cow farts. And now "cow farts" is a tool of measurement in our family for how much gas one of us has just passed. But it's key to do this at home. Take out all screens, extra noises, even light, and just let your kiddos feel their inner feelings, hear their own thoughts, and fill the emptiness with their own ideas and imaginations. I promise you will always be amazed or laughing very quickly.
Left and Right is a habit.
Someone told me to incorporate things like "left vs. right", counting, identifying colors out loud in front of your kids from a very young age, and it wont be something you have to teach, it will just become habit. Since #LivyLu was very young, every time we went for walks or were at the grocery store we would say out loud "Turn left here" or "At the end of the aisle we will turn right and then right again". #LivyLu is now four and while she still doesn't have her left and right's 100% of the time, she gets it, and most of the time without thinking about it. In fact the other day we were walking around a park, we came to a Y in the road, we told #LivyLu to choose, when she said "Left" Adam accidentally started to go right, and she corrected him.
"Mom doesn't hear words when you are crying."
Have you ever had a kid come up to you in a fit of tears and try to tell you something? In our family, we always say "Mom (or Dad) doesn't hear words when you are crying, so take your time to finish, and when you have calmed down let's talk". Crying is a good thing. It's a release of emotion, and I don't ever want to discourage that, because bottling up those emotions is never a good thing. But we try to teach our kiddos that you need to take time to release your emotions (in a proper way, hitting or throwing things, slamming doors, yelling, etc. is never OK) and then when your initial emotions have passed and your mind is more clear then use words to work through the problems, fears, hurt, etc.
Cheese sticks and fruit snacks are a staple.
Enough said.
Hiding under blankets always works.
You want to switch up the mood, involve the whole family in a game, or get some happy laughter going? Hide under a blanket, or throw a blanket over a kid and then say "Oh where did #OBoy go? I can't find him". This game always gets my kids excited, and the more people who hide under the blanket the funnier it gets.
Admit faults and say I'm sorry.
I am not a perfect parent, so on occasion my emotions flair up and I raise my voice, or I get distracted and dinner is something quick and thrown together 20 minutes before bedtime, or Mom has lacked in her planning skills and I forget the beloved fruit snacks on a long outing. Don't expect yourself to be perfect at all times, but in those moments turn to your sweet kiddos and admit your faults, express the situation and your emotions, and say "I'm sorry". Teach your kids that you are never too old or too busy to say I'm sorry and ask for forgiveness. As parents we try to teach this to our kids all the time, when they cut another kid off on the slide at the park, when they take a toy from a sibling, when they act out of anger in a negative way, etc. But giving our kids the opportunity to see their parents do those same actions that we teach them every day, more importantly letting them feel what it's like to be on the other side of an apology, is so key to getting the whole lesson across.
Hug your body.
A while back we were having a hard time having our kids fold their arms during prayer, they knew how to and that they should but they just wouldn't. So we started doing this thing where we say "arms out!" and they stick their arms out in front of their bodies. Then we say "hug your body" and they fold their arms/hug their body. We taught our kids that prayer is a way we can connect and feel the love of our Father in Heaven and our Savior, so we hug our body to represent their great love for us. It helps us to be quiet so we can hear them and feel them. "Hug your body" works 98% of the time for a reverent family prayer.
On a related note, hugging your body is also a nod to self confidence (that I am worthy of love). Outward love and inward love is the best cultivator for growth.
Timers are not always good.
Like all kids, our kids really (and I do mean reeaaallly) struggled with clean up time. It just became so frustrating for the whole family. One mom suggested setting a timer and making it like a race, or "beat the clock" game. We tried that and it backfired, in like the worst but at the same time best way possible. I say worst because #ClaraBelle and #OBoy were oblivious to it, while #LivyLu completely broke down and would huddle in a corner. But I say best way because I got to learn something new about my kid. My daughter struggles with deadlines/time limits. Timers are a trigger for her anxieties.
Do you know your kids love language?
#LivyLu is one-on-one time.
#ClaraBelle is personal touch.
#OBoy is food lol, actually we are still figuring that one out, but I think it might also be personal touch.
There is no one way to parent a child, and that's because we all are receptive in different ways. Learning your child's love language is KEY to learning how to parent them. With #LivyLu I can parent her best when I take her aside, we talk, and then we do an activity together. Staying up 10 minutes longer each night to have one on one time with mom and dad has been a game changer for our family. #ClaraBelle, could sit and color or read books and be perfectly content with life as long as it is in the lap of mom and dad. And #OBoy, well, oh boy oh boy oh boy is that kid wild. He is still pretty young so we haven't really pin pointed how he is most receptive. But golly does he get a good laugh when he is tickled and squeezed, and the kid just loves to go about his own business but then come over and sit on my lap for just a moment or two before he again goes about his business.
No Baby Talk.
From the time your child is first placed in your arms, talk to them like they are a peer. When they are a toddler, explain things, use big words, and real tones. No baby talk.
Let your kids be the boss of their own bodies.
Let kids have input on how they look, let them tell you when they are hungry and what they want, let kids choose how their bodies act and what they do. But the key is to teach. When one of my kids says they are hungry and want a cookie, I'll explain that a cookie tastes yummy but a cheese stick or an orange will fill them up more and give them more energy to play. When my kid says they are not tired at bedtime, I say that's totally OK, why not stretch, sing, or read a book, use their body in a different way besides to play as they let their body wind down for the night. When our kids are built up with angry, and they want to hit, we encourage to hit a pillow, or suggest other outlets like walking or talking. Give your kids options, teach them healthy and proper ways to use their body and then give them the responsibility of deciding how to use their body and the opportunity to see what their body is capable of.
But by far my best tip is that if your kids keep coming back to you to give them food, then you must be feeding them something (however rare the occasion may be) that they actually enjoy.
If your kids come to you to console their tears, then you must actually be giving good advice, and love they way they need it.... that or you have the perfectly squishy arms to snuggle up to and the right softness of tee shirt to wipe their snot on.
If your kids choose to share their proudest moments with and moments of laughter with you, then you must be their best cheerleader and have a laughter that apparently isn't too embarrassing.
If your kids falls asleep only after you have tucked them in (and read 10 books, sang 5 songs, and ended at least on tickle fight) then you must be the right parent for them.
Parenting isn't, a science, or something you can do by the book. The only way you can measure your sucess is if your kiddos keep coming back for more.
However you choose to parent, keep it up, you are doing a great job!
Sincerely, from a mom who has spent the day in bed, because it's just far too comfy, and the kids seem to have no problem jumping on the bed and making messes around me.
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