When I was a young kid, I remember telling my mom that I wanted to be a ballerina, and on the weekends when I wasn’t dancing I wanted to be a dentist. But then I realized that dentists put their hands inside other people’s mouths, and that dream came to a quick halt. Shortly after, I decided I wanted to be a mom.
I have loved and admired my mom my whole life; she is the most amazing person I know. Everything she did, I wanted to do; anything she wanted, I wanted; and anything she hated, I hated (like fish, I’m pretty sure my hate for seafood is because my mom doesn’t like it). I remember one time in kindergarten, a little girl asked me what my favorite color was. I didn’t know. I hadn't ever thought of it. So I told her purple, because I knew that was my mom’s favorite color. And to this day, I still love purple.
When I was a junior in high school and I had to start thinking about colleges and what I wanted to study, I had no clue because all I wanted was to be a mom. I did chose to study Child Development. I completed five semesters before I quit, because I had #LivyLu. Adam loves to tell people that I “graduated” when I developed a child.)
It’s the beginning of a new year, and Adam and I are coming up on four years of marriage soon, which has caused a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on goals, dreams, how far we have come, how far I have come, etc. And I’ve realized that while I am living my dream of being married to my best friend and a mother to the cutest kids you ever did see, my dreams have also changed greatly.
When I was a kid, my day-to-day dreams consisted of long bubble baths (when I say long I mean 2 hour baths) filled with playing with toys and reading books. Friday nights were when mom would let us kids sleep in the living room and watch cartoons till 11 or 12 (why did I love sleeping on the floor so much as a kid???). And snow days. Oh how I loved snow days!
As I got older my dreams turned to empty Saturdays which I could fill with baking, chick flicks, and pj’s all day. I would dream of babysitting money which I could blow on cute clothes, lunches out with my sister and going to the movies. I can remember loving the days when my mom would surprise me by picking me up from school early (one time I got to skip out on four of my classes, that was a great day!) because she didn't want to run errands by herself. I dreamed of monthly pedicures and lunches out with my Aunt, or church dances, because that’s where I would see Adam (side note: he always asked me to dance; oh those were fun days- and many of my dreams were filled with thoughts of Adam. In fact I used to keep a diary and I used to sign my name at the end of every entry, though for a short time I would sign my name with his last name. Little did I know that in my future that would actually become my name).
In college I would dream of the days that my professors would extend homework assignments and cancel tests. I would dream of the letters I would receive from Adam (we wrote while Adam was on his mission, those were some fun days of stalking the mailman); when my Zumba routines would come together and then would be a huge hit in my classes. I dreamed of sales at the grocery store, or when someone had overpaid at the laundry mat which meant I got one free load of laundry (that only happened twice, but I always dreamed it would happen again).
But as a mom, my dreams are much more simpler.
I dream of only changing diapers every hour vs. every 15-20 minutes. That maybe during tonight' bath #LivyLu and #ClaraBelle won’t completely drown my bathroom with water from splashing, but only just the bathmat; that dinner time will be full a fun conversation with laughter and stories from the day vs. endless tears and flinging plates and food off the table because the kids don’t like what I made that night (which is most nights- why are my kids so picky? Please tell me this is a phase that will end soon). I dream that maybe, if I am really lucky, #LivyLu will remember to cover when she sneezes rather than shower me with her snot (TMI? Sorry); and that #OBoy will keep his outfit dry all day, rather than soaking it within five minutes of getting dressed. When #ClaraBelle sleeps all night, instead of waking up five times because she is hungry. I dream of Walmart trips that don’t last an hour and we don’t knock over any displays or give all the shoppers around us a fun scene to watch (like the time when #LivyLu was in the cart throwing a fit because she wanted strawberries instead of grapes (the grapes were for a recipe and we were getting strawberries we just didn’t make it to the strawberries yet) and #ClaraBelle was sitting on Adams shoulders. She spit up all over him. It was dripping off of his head and it was all over the floor. Adam of course let out a shriek and all I could do was laugh. Everyone was staring at us, and still all I could do was laugh).
I dream of going to the bathroom alone, and not having my kids cry dramatically on the other side of the door as if I have left them forever. I dream of the day I will stay on top of laundry rather than let it build up and then have to do eight loads in one day…..and then have to fold it all (oh how I hate folding laundry).
Yes my dreams are not glamorous and my life is far from it. When I would dream of being a mother, I really did not picture it with so much toddler drama, laundry and I definitely did not picture all the poop. Some days I wonder if I will ever become a professional at anything else rather than just diaper changing, pulling #LivyLu’s hand out of whatever toy she has currently gotten her hand or foot stuck in, and freeing #ClaraBelle’s head from strange tight places (it would amaze you to see all the places she has gotten her head stuck in), escaping the spit up path from #OBoy, and getting a family of five out the door on time for church. But I am living my dream.
Do I regret not finishing college? No. It was never my intention to get a degree. I only wanted a little knowledge that would help me in my career as a mother. Do I wish I had fulfilled other dreams before I became a mother? No. Sure I had dreams of traveling the world, volunteering and going on crazy adventures with Adam (It is a dream of mine to hike to the top of a volcano and spit inside, because that's about as wild as I get); but I have a lifetime to do that, and being a mother is more important than any of that.
Sometimes its easy to get lost in the idea that “living your dreams” means an easy life full of fun and good times. But it’s not. It means work, every minute of everyday to keep something that is of high importance to you. My family is the most important thing to me, creating memories with my kids is importance to me, raising kids with high morals and a strong self esteem is important to me, having a successful and happy marriage is important to me. And I have all of that, it just comes with a lot of work and unpleasantness at times (like diapers….).
I don’t really have a point I’m getting at with all this rambling. It’s more of just a reminder to myself (and possibly anyone else in a situation similar to mine) that individual moments are hard and disappointing at times; but when I focus on the whole picture I have everything that I ever wanted. I am not a failure when I accidently raise my voice to my children. I am doing a good enough job when the day has ended and I’m still in pj’s without a lick of makeup and the apartment is a disaster with dishes piling up and laundry overflowing my baskets, but the kids are happy, fed and diapers are changed. I can still be happy and feel successful at the end of the day when there is dust on my top shelves and smoothie splatters on my wall from breakfast from three days ago, and when I have to cancel a fun outing due to tantrums and uncooperative kids.
Motherhood is messy, smelly, exhausting, frustrating (especially during the toddler years) and sometimes it makes me feel very un-accomplished in my life. But it is my beautiful dream. I am so lucky that I get to snuggle sweet kiddos all day and be showered with hugs and kisses, I get to play with my kids and incorporate skills like counting, forming sentences and roll playing which will be very essential when they are older. I get to serve my family every day by providing them with drawers full of clean clothes and cooking yummy meals- who doesn’t love the satisfactory feeling of serving someone they love? I get to be there for my kids through all their best moments, like when #LivyLu connected the importance of the sacrament in church yesterday, when #ClaraBelle all on her own gave up a toy she was playing with to make her sister happy, and those precious smiles, coos and laughs from #OBoy.
Miguel Ruiz once said, “Your life is a manifestation of your dream”. I am so grateful that I get to live my dream every day. My life is beautiful.
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