Worthless. Overweight. Lacking in patience. One eye is bigger than the other. Imperfect. Selfish. Not enough.
Every day I wake up and and these are the first thoughts that go through my head. I wake up wishing my life was different. I spend much of my days hiding behind makeup, hair, clothes, my husband, my kids. I use the excuse of being wrapped up in taking care of my kids and being shy to keep from putting myself out there and letting others “see what I see” in myself. I let my negativity become a cave in which I sink further and further into every day.
I just don't see much worth in myself. Add that with the disappointment and heartache from recent events and I’m really just struggling. Can I just give up? I want to so badly.
I saw this quote the other day and it got me thinking. What is the honest opinions of others when they look at me? So I asked a few people.
Adam said: “Beautiful. Feminine. Best kisser. Caretaker, Trusting. GIF Queen. Planner. Loveable Laugh.”
My Mother said: "Loyal. Beautiful inside and out. gentle. Kind. Compassionate. Dedicated. Smart. Creative. Thrifty. Considerate. Loving. Artistic. Nurturing. Integrity. Fun."
My mother in law said: “Creative. Helper. Kind. Intelligent. Artistic. Crafter. Fun.”
My sister Aasha said: “Compassionate. Considerate. Empathetic. Diligent. Generous. Intuitive. Designer. Mother. Amazing cook. Creative. Good with kids.”
My sister Hanna said: “Sister. Friend. Dedicated. Nurturer. Perfectionist. Awe inspiring. Creative. Can connect on an emotional level to others.”
My sister Tyra said: “Glows. Mindful of everyone. Caretaker. Faithful and enduring. Radiant beauty. Easy to talk to, and always there to listen. Mother. Full of love.”
My good friend Kami: “Helpful. Kind. Loving. Fun. Beautiful.”
In the LDS religion we have what are called Patriarchal Blessings. (In short it’s a blessing given to each member that provides inspired direction and personal counsel from the Lord.). My blessing starts by saying, “Kayla, you’re a beautiful, talented, faithful daughter of your Father in Heaven.”
Welp! First off they are SOOOOO NICE!!!!! Second, maybe I need to take another look at myself. So let's give this another try.
I Am a wife, mother, caretaker, and friend.
I am a sister, a listener, fun-loving, concerned in the well-being of others.
(Picture taken before Owen was born) I am a strong unselfish mother.
I am a baker and a lover of chocolate. (Stuffed and dipped chocolate mint thins)
When I set out to become a blogger I wanted a name for my blog that was creative, fresh, and encapsulated who I am. And I came up with Raw. By definition raw means “in its natural state; not yet processed or purified.” In motherhood, nothing goes as planned. Kids grow faster than you want them to, there is always a mess (no matter how much you clean), there is always a poopy diaper (seriously why????), and kids throw tantrums in the most embarrassing places. Motherhood is raw, there is nothing polished about it. And when you take the Instagram filters off there is seriously so much more to be viewed, that we would rather be left unseen (like the smoothie splatters that have been dried to my pantry door for 3 days). I am raw. I am the beautiful, creative, dedicated, GIF queen that those around me know me to be, but I am also a woman who is uncertain in how she sees herself. I am perfectly imperfect.
Raw Motherhood is my way of keeping perspective. It’s so easy as a stay at home mom who is sleep deprived, trying to keep track of feedings, diaper changes, picking up toys, making and keeping appointments (keeping track of appointments for five people is exhausting!), meal planning, and so so much more to feel bogged down. And with my perfectionistic tendencies it’s far to easy to feel as though I am not enough and that I am failing. But I’m not.
I am relatable. I am raw. I am me.
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