More often than not I feel like I respond to questions like, “How was your day?” with “Hard. Today was really hard”.
I mean, being a mom has its hard moments; raising three kids is no easy feet, especially when ⅔ of them can't communicate too well (outside of throwing fits and crying at incredibly high notes) and the other is a toddler (‘nough said). But in reality, day to day is not too bad. Sure there is so many tears and a truly impressive amount of poop (seriously where does it all come from, my kids eat hardly anything besides goldfish and cheese sticks), and keeping these kiddos entertained is, well, in one word it’s exhausting (in the best way possible!!!!). But what makes everyday so hard is living under the constant stress and anxiety of making do with what we’ve got, struggling to know where to apply for jobs, working hard to impress employers and hiring staff (you would not believe some of the outlandish things some of these interviews have required of Adam), constantly checking in with job applications, staying optimistic and yet preparing ourselves for rejection after rejection.
Honestly there are days that I just don’t think my body can handle the stress anymore. Today I woke up and my arms and legs ached, and it’s because of the stress and anxiety of waking up everyday not living the life that we had imagined for ourselves- pretty sure many people can relate to this. I have tried to keep a very gospel centered perspective throughout this whole experience, but guys, that’s hard to do when your trials seem to stretch on and on with no end in sight!
Back in December I was sitting in Relief Society (a class for women in the LDS church) and the teacher handed out a pamphlet with something like 101 names for the Savior. The entire hour was spent with women standing up and telling which name stood out to them and why (truly it was a powerful lesson, and I wished the class was three hours not one). As I sat in the back snuggling my (at the time) chunky newborn babe, I was gazing over the pamphlet reading each name slowly. And then I got to the name “Gardner” and immediately the talk from Elder Christofferson “As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten” from April 2011 came to mind (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-love-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=eng - If you are not familiar with this talk, please give it a read when you have five spare minutes, It is way worth your time!)
{Back up for two minutes: At the time (honestly nothing much has changed since then) we had been searching for a job for just over a year, it was the holidays so like many others, our money was tight, we just had our third child, work was hard, we were disappointed with the fact that we are still in our tiny apartment, and life just seemed like a heavy weight on our shoulders at the time. I went to church that day with just #LivyLu and #OBoy- Adam was home with a sick #ClaraBelle, and I was praying so hard to receive peace and reassurance that everything would work out for us.}
Here is a snippet of the talk, and specifically this is what came to mind:
As I played this story over and over in my head I quietly tried to hide my tears (thankfully there weren’t too many dry eyes in the room already, so I was pretty safe letting my mascara run a little). This, this story just seemed to hit home hard. We seem to be standing at this brick wall that we hit over and over and over again. Every time Adam comes home or calls to tell me about another job rejection, I find myself shaking my own fists towards heaven and yelling, “How could you do this to us? We were making such wonderful growth, and you allowed us to be cut down. How could you do this to us?”, and every time I hear him say “I am the gardener here, I know what I want you to be.”
Couple this experience with the one from September 2015 (you can read briefly about it here: https://rawmotherhood.wixsite.com/reallifestories/blog/there-is-hope-and-happiness-ahead-jeffrey-r-holland ) and I know without a doubt that there is a God and that He is watching over us. I don't doubt that God is blessing us as He makes us patiently, well, truthfully not so patiently, wait for His perfect timing.
Last night, however, was one of those especially hard nights. Adam and I had a misunderstanding which I blew way out of proportion (gosh darn it, I am so bad at doing that! Is that a woman thing? Please tell me I’m not alone in that) - which led to arguing and a very clean bathroom (I either stress bake or stress clean, and last night I cleaned). When I finally cooled down enough to accept Adam’s loving embrace (this man is seriously GOLDEN! No matter what I have done or said he is always there with his arms opened wide ready to hold me and wipe away my tears. In my eyes he is the mightiest man I have ever known. Oh golly I love him so!), I melted into his chest in a seriously large puddle of tears. We then were up way past 3AM crying and getting our frustrations out; because what it all comes down to is that we are so tired from the stress of our whole situation which seems to engulf every aspect of our life.
I really wish I could know a piece of the future. I wish I had a magic pill or put on a pair of glasses that would help me shift my perspective on life to a more positive one, and I wish so badly that I could go to bed just one night without this pain in my chest knowing that when I wake up in the morning I will be waking up to another day full of the sorrow of what we are living through. Guys, I wish there was an eternal pause button that would allow me to take a vacation on life, even for just a few blissful hours. Much of my days are spent looking at the lives of others and thinking “How did they get there? I want that, how can I make that happen in my life?” While scrolling through Instagram earlier today, I saw this a quote “I’m not lucky, you have no idea how hard I've prayed.”
A trending theme right now among many women is authenticity and not comparing with others. It wasn’t until I saw that quote that I realized that I am struggling with this very thing. I am spending every day comparing my life to the dream life I want that I feel everyone around me is living (pretty sure it’s an assumption, but seriously y’all make your lives seem pretty dreamy on Instagram). The reality of my “hard” life is that plans fell through and I am not where I pictured myself being. The struggle of job searching and stretching a small budget, and making do in a claustrophobically small apartment is not going to go away in any foreseeable future, or at least not today. But that doesn’t mean my life is hard, or at least it is worth all the hard because I have some pretty sweet people in my life.
I want to say that I can have a positive perspective and make the most of everyday (that came today through painting projects, blanket forts and a trip to try the new rolled ice cream parlor in town-- seriously rolled ice cream is just as cool in person and those addicting Instagram videos are to watch!) (Oh and I can't forget that #OBoy SAT UP ON HIS OWN TODAY!!!! #gamechanger). I want to say that I will remember with every rejection and turn away from what we have worked so hard for that I will remember that God is the gardener and He will shape me into who He wants me to be, but in reality that just doesn’t happen and I need Him to remind me of that every single day (which He so sweetly does).
Way back when we were contemplating trying for our second child, there was this wonderful experience I had during a discussion with a friend, where she told a story which opened my heart to the whispers from my Father in Heaven, and He told me “I will always take care of you.” He always has.... just not always in the way that I particularly want.
So to anyone reading this who is struggling with something in their life, or doubts that God hears your prayers, I just want to testify to you that He does. I am told so often that someday I will look back on this experience and be grateful for all that I have been through, whether or not that will be the case only time will tell. But from where I stand today, I do not doubt that I am being looked out for. I do not doubt that God has a plan for me and that He loves me enough to cut me down time and time again so that I can grow into my greatest potential and be exactly the person He intended me to be.
If you are going through the same pruning experience that I am, stay strong. Hold on just a little longer. Trust that God is watching over you, and believe that there are better days ahead.
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