This is how Christmas pictures went with my kiddos. #ClaraBelle cried/ barely tolerated it. #OBoy was oblivious to the purpose of dressing up and standing still. #LivyLu... well she was being 100% herself. My doors are dirty, but not dirty enough so that you can't see the bag of trash sitting right outside the door and there is a bright red wheelbarrow in the background. This is a real, raw moment for you.
Positivity. Simplify. Enjoy.
These are the words that I’ve chosen to focus on this year. My baby is turning four this week, my other baby is STARTING TO TALK!!!! (Like you don’t even know how much of an accomplishment this is for her, but as soon as she started to form words on the regular she aged like two more years.) And my baby, who is my actual baby, walks around like he’s the big man of the house and is offended if I offer a hand to hold onto. More than anything I just want these days, these long long hard mommy-ing, stinky, sticky, but completely somehow joyful days to just slow down. I want to soak up every moment of this oh so good life that I have been given.
When we came back from our Christmas vacation we had water dripping from our ceiling. A handy man was able to come over within an hour of us walking in the door, and because we couldn't find a source we could only assume it was condensation (we were gone 8 days and we do live in a partial basement apartment). But by the end of the night Adam and I were convinced that couldn't be the case due to the large puddles of water we kept finding in cupboards and under the stove lid. Two days later the water seemed to be moving across our ceiling, causing water pockets in the paint and 27 steady dripping points (that was no fun to cook in). The source was discovered as a leaking dishwasher from the upstairs apartment (the tenants were gone so that was a little hard to pinpoint) and within a week we had torn out two beams and patched five spots in our ceiling.
One night as Adam and I were scraping drywall to prep for demo I just started laughing. Adam must have thought I was crazy; but here we were not even a full week into the new year and I was placed with an opportunity to find some positivity (rather than think of the glass as half empty as I often do in these kinds of situations). And the only bit of positivity that I could find was that there was a 80% chance that it couldn't get any worse.
I grew up with a ton of depression but no words to express it, so I bottled it all up inside of me for years. And while I have taken care of and continue to work on overcoming that, it has affected me. I just really struggle with seeing the positive side of things, and as a result I struggle to find contentment in my life. But I have learned that positivity isn't a huge thing, it’s not having a sun ray shine on every dark situation, it’s choosing to endure with hope and knowing that there are better moments ahead. President Thomas S. Monson once said “For maximum happiness, peace and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude.” In this situation, that tiny ounce of positivity actually provided a lot of peace and contentment, and I would even go so far as to say some happiness.
During all the construction we opted to a lot of TV to entertain the kids and distract them from the chaos in the kitchen (which is located in the middle of our apartment, so it’s hard to avoid). Now in no way do I condone those who use TV as a distraction in moments like this, because seriously sometimes you just need to keep kids aside so you can get things done on occasion. But after about a week of this I was flooded with an emotion that was far beyond words. A few years back I remember reading an interview with Joanna Gaines, she said that they didn’t own a TV because she wanted her home to be all about family. I loved that idea but thought “no, I can't give up TV. How will I survive folding laundry? How will I stay awake at 4 am when my babies can't sleep? I just need the escape of getting wrapped up in someone else's drama and letting someone else make me laugh on occasion?” In full honesty-- I’m addicted: to the distraction it gives my kids, especially in the morning when mama needs a little more sleep; to the sound, I really hate a quiet house, but I also don’t enjoy a house of loud screaming kids. Somehow a musical or Youtube music videos is always the happy medium, not to loud, and fills the air with the sounds of my children singing along. After a long day it is just so much easier to get caught up in a good movie under the name of “catching a break” rather than do the laundry, dishes, organize the piles of junk that always seem to accumulate. I like love the distraction.
That idea of getting rid of the TV has stuck with me throughout the years but I’ve just never followed up on it. But this particular night I just felt so strongly that I was missing it! I was missing the opportunity to be there for my children in the chaotic hard times, I’m missing the the opportunity to play with and entertain them, and the opportunity to watch them grow as they figure things out for themselves. Furthermore my kids are missing the opportunity to grow their imagination and play (they have tons of toys but really they don't play with them too often, unless Adam or I sit down and initiate the play); it’s like they would rather have entertainment placed in front of them than to go out and find it. After Adam finished the dishes he came and sat on the couch next to me thinking he was going to get a quiet break from the day, but instead he was bombarded by me spilling all my emotions, frustrations, concerns, and ending with “I really don’t want to, and I feel silly for saying that, but I just know that we need to get rid of our TV, and not just for a trial period, permanently.”
To my surprise he responded “Ok, let’s do it!”
So we got up and not only did we remove the TV, Roku, DVD/ VHS player, stacks of old school VHS’s and the beast of a folder filled with DVD’s; we completely rearranged the living room so that there wasn't even room for it.
[This is a decision we made for the benefit of our family, please don’t allow thoughts of guilt into your head-- you do you and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it!]
The next morning was a shock to our kiddos (seeing how they usually watch a cartoon during breakfast/ getting dressed for the day). #OBoy seemed to be more shocked at the room rearrangement, #ClaraBelle only starred at the spot where the TV was for a minute than went off to play. #LivyLu was the only one to really show an aversion to the change, but even that only lasted a minute or two before she ran off to play.
We have now gone almost three weeks without a TV (only on occasion watching a short show on the laptop, usually lasting less than 30 minutes a day) and our consensus is that WE LOVE IT!!!! My kids fight so much less! My living room is covered in toys about 98% of the day, but my kids are playing with toys again. And not just playing, but super creative, imaginative, insanely cute group play (the game of wooden spoon plush football hockey has been born!) that is initiated by themselves rather than me! And my favorite thing is to just watch them.
Simplifying our lives increases the probability of achieving the most important things of life-- the BEST things in life.
-Elder Lynn G. Robbins-
There was a mix up at Adam’s work with a newly hired guy and long story short we have had to go 26 days (and counting) without a paycheck (it’s like we work for the federal government). It has caused us to really simplify the way we do things (because we have no clue when that paycheck will come… like I said, long story- but don’t worry we still have a job). We have had to do without some of the luxuries that we had before (like delicious smelling bath soaps…. Oh DOVE how I wish you just smelled a little more sexy….), we have gotten creative with how to make things stretch (and have involved the kids in some of this which has been great bonding). And while I am definitely freaking out over here, it’s been a great opportunity for me to see that we don't need hardly anything to be happy. Because even when it’s sandwiches for dinner, when we try to see how long we can go without turning on lights, when we stay at home to read until mom’s mouth is so dry she can hardly talk rather than go for a nightly drive- my kids somehow only see the opportunities together rather than the opportunities lost. It’s their laughter, them tackling me with hugs and kisses, the joy in little games of chase and their plea for just one more minute of snuggles at bedtimes that just fill my heart with so much gratitude.
Positivity, simplifying (and I’m not talking Marie Kondo crap… I just don’t buy into this trend) and enjoying the life that is placed before me seems easy, but when put to the test…. when you are thrown into the new year with a lot of unexpected obstacles, those three words don't seem so easy. But it’s having that mindset that has opened my eyes to a life that is so much more happier and fulfilling that I could have ever hoped for.
Every year I have set new year's resolutions like “I am going to lose X- amount of weight”, “I am going to grow my savings by X- amount”, I am going to perfect a certain talent or overcome a certain fault of mine. But before the new year I heard a thought that those kinds of resolutions just set you up for failure, guilt, and depression (all of which I am particularly susceptible to). So I decided that instead of set a goal I was just going to find a few words to focus on. Not perfect, not overcome, no change- just a thought to keep in the back of my mind. And these three words have been the best thing I could have ever filled my head with. Because life is sticky, messy and filled with unexpected turns, but there is always a positive light to hold on to, always ways we can simplify the junk (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually), and cling to that which really lets us enjoy the beautiful, wonderful, heaven-sent blessings in our lives.
The other day, we were eating breakfast for dinner. #LivyLu passed her cup to me, then said “Can I have some more milk….. (whisper) shake?” I did a double take and asked her to repeat that, “Can I have some more milk……. (a little louder than a whisper) shake?” I started to laugh and the said, “No we don't have milkshake.” Then she said “Oh well can I have some more milk please?”. I just love when my kids try to slip in those kinds of things.
Last week, while Adam took #LivyLu out for an appointment, #ClaraBelle and #OBoy were playing so sweetly together. I took the opportunity to finish up a few house projects and chores, making sure to poke my head in on them on occasion. As I was finishing up on project I could hear the two laughing so I started to walk down the hall to see what was so funny. First I saw #OBoy in the kitchen, he clutched his little chubby belly and threw his head back in laughter. Then as I turned the corner into the kitchen, I saw #ClaraBelle raise the last egg from the fridge above her head (there was somewhere close to 30 eggs in the fridge) and throw it down to the floor. As it smashed into the pile of egg shells and splattered all over my kitchen, the two started up their laughter all over again. In full honesty I thought the whole situation was hilarious and cute, but I was really grateful when Adam walked in literally right then and offered to clean it all up.
A few days ago #ClaraBelle was in timeout, and after about a minute #LivyLu walked up to her with an armful of books, sat down next to her and started to read. When I came over to tell #ClaraBelle her time out was over, #LivyLu held out her hand and said “No thank you mommy, we are reading”, then took up right where she left off as #ClaraBelle scooted just a little closer to her sister. It’s moments like that, that really get to me.
In one of my favorite songs (Snails by The Format), the chorus says “snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch” and that’s what I want. I don't want a single inch of my life to go unnoticed, because it is all so beautiful, pain and all, it’s beautiful.
[Not even five minutes after waking up, #ClaraBelle emptied the basket of laundry Adam stayed up late folding and took a nap with her doll.... such is life with a two year old.]
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