"A mother's love for her children is like nothing else in this world."
-Agatha Christie
Dear #OBoy
A few weeks ago I posted a picture to Instagram, and I captioned it:
“I’ll bet you won’t remember the things that I will never forget. Like the way you curl up into my hugs, and push your face closer to my kisses. The way you grasp my fingers and refuse to let go. The way you call out for me in the middle of the night and convince me with sweet coos and smiles to hold you just a little longer. If I could keep you this little just a little bit longer, I would. But oh how I love the adventure of discovering and exploring each day with you.”
I was scared to have a boy. Why? I really can’t answer that. Boys just intimidate me. I grew up with three sisters, I’ve had thirteen roommates and I’ve had two daughters. I know what it is to take care of, nurture, live with, be friends with and love girls. I am unfamiliar in the ways of little boys.
But the second you were placed in my arms I melted. I loved you. I knew not why I loved you. I had no reasons, only that I was your mother and you were my son. Every day since that moment when I first laid eyes on you, I have fallen just a little bit more in love with you.
It is your sweet cuddles that soak my arms in sweat, the little grunts you let out when I feed you, the way you furrow your brow, squint your eyes and tighten your fist as you let out little toots. It is when you grasp my finger and your eyes lock with mine. When you smile as I tell you stories and the way you talk to me through squeals, squeaks and coos. My dear boy, you have captured my heart and I love you beyond any explanation.
Your life so far has been very short, but yet it goes by so fast (believe me, it goes by fast!). It is easy to get caught up in things that are unimportant and things that have no meaning. It is my hope for you that you will take time to remember the little things (for me it is the way your chunky cheeks squish when you sit up, oh how I could kiss those cheeks all day), to take notice of the special moments (like today when you and I layed in bed far longer than we should have, but you smiled at me for the first time and we sang songs and talked), and never pass up an opportunity to be grateful.
I will cherish every minute we have together and I will remember all the little
sweet details. I will love you forever and there is nothing you could ever do that would change that love. I only ask that you live your life to the fullest and love every moment you have.
I love you my sweet #OBoy, and I’m excited to see what great victories you will have in this life.
Dear #LivyLu
Two years ago I was sitting in Time out for Women. Calee Reed, came out on stage and talked about her three year old daughter who struggled with sleep, was an extremely picky eater and her struggles with being a single parent. She then sang a song called “Sunshine”, she had written it about her daughter, but to me it was a song about you.
My dear sweet baby girl, you have been the sunshine in my soul since the second I looked into your eyes and felt your heartbeat against my chest. I have loved you long before you were created, I have loved you through all the hardships of a baby who didn’t want to sleep in a crib alone, being the pickiest eater I have ever seen, the tantrums, the long sleepless nights, and the drama of a growing toddler. I have loved you despite all through it all.
It is your love of learning and figuring out how things work and go together. Your love of play time, snack time, story time, bath time, dance time (not so much bedtime) and mom/dad time. It is your strong will that makes me believe that you will be a leader and a creator. It is your sass and drama that reassures me that you are a girl who knows what she wants and will not bend to trends and opinions of others.
Last Sunday, you were sitting on my lap, begging for juice and snacks. But I told you that you need to wait till after the sacrament. You then begged for toys and books, again I told you to wait till after the sacrament. I then attempted to talk about what the sacrament represents and why we take it. I really was just trying to distract you so you wouldn’t think about the snacks and toys you wanted to badly, I didn’t expect this to turn into a teaching moment. Not one where I teach you, but one where you teach me. You then told me that Jesus went to sleep because he got an ouchy, but when He woke up He smiled because He loves us. I was at a loss for words. All I could do was hold you closer as my heart was warm with love for you. You are a tender spirit bursting with love and a joy for life that is unparalleled to anyone I have ever known. You teach me every day that life is not complicated, it is simple.
“She completes me, even when it feels like I’ve lost all control. My one wish would be to teach her half of what she’s teaching me.” (Calee Reed)
It is a joy to be your mother, to play with you, to care for you and to love you. But I fear that I have very little to teach you, because you have already taught me more than I ever thought I could learn from a three-year-old.
Thank you for showing me joy in opposition, for giving me the greatest title in the world of a Mother, and for teaching me every single day, both of life lessons and how to be the mother that you need me to be. Thank you for being my ray of sunshine through all my hard days and warming my life with your love.
Dear #ClaraBelle
You have had one rough winter. You have broken in six teeth and had four rounds of the flu in the past two months. You currently at the tail end (fingers crossed) of an ear infection that is persistent (we are coming up on three weeks), that is being aggravated by a sinus infection. Sweet baby girl, you have amazed me as you have endured all of this with laughter, smiles and a sweet attitude.
But today I was not the loving mom you deserved. I was hot gluing some flowers for a new wreath, #OBoy was upset that his pacifier had fallen out (for the tenth time), #LivyLu was getting into my paints and putting paint brushes in her mouth (they were clean, I promise, but nonetheless that is nasty); and you just wanted to be held. It was past nap time (I somehow let the time get away from me); you badly wanted a bottle of milk and to go to bed. You were crying at my feet and pulling on me. I snapped. I didn’t mean to.
I let my frustrations with everything that was happening around me lead my actions. I quickly poured a bottle of milk, I raised my voice at you and asked you very impatiently to be patient with me, as I moved the glue gun out of reach from your sister. I picked you up and rushed off to the bedroom. I changed your diaper, gave you your bottle and tucked you into bed, then walked out the door. #OBoy was still fussy, and #LivyLu was still getting into things I had already told her not to touch (I’m so glad I moved that glue gun). I had things to do and kids to take care of, but I just stood there. Guilt swept over me. You weren't feeling good, I knew that, and you were so tired. All you wanted was some love and a nap.
I quietly opened the door and watched you as you wrapped the blanket up close to you and you drifted off. I wanted so badly to go in and pick you up and just hold you until my arms fell asleep. I wanted to kiss your squishy cheeks and ask forgiveness for the way I had reacted. But you needed your sleep. So instead I just watched you.
My baby girl, you are my world. You are my happiness. You are one of four reasons (alongside your brother, sister and daddy) that I fight through the depression and negativity I feel every day. You give me a reason to get up everyday, and I don’t just mean that you need someone to take care of you and fix you meals. I truly don't want to miss a single minute with you.
I remember the day I first held you. My first thought was, the person who held you before me was God. How lucky am I to have been given such a sweet little girl to love and protect, straight from the arms of Heaven. You teach me every day to smile through adversity and to cling to those you love.
I am not a perfect person, and there will surely be more days like today. But I want you to forever know that you are so very very special to me. I have loved you long before I met you and I will continue to love you more and more with every day. I cherish the sweet snuggles we get throughout the day when we read books and chill to a cartoon. I smile as you laugh and splash in the bathtub (girl, you are seriously alive when you are in the bath!). I laugh to myself when i replay conversations we have had and I remember your sweet little babbles. My heart melts when I see you rush to the side of your brother and try so hard to put his pacifier back in his mouth as gently as you can, but instead it is more of a shove as you miss his mouth and push it up his nose; and when you run to your sister with an ear to ear smile squealing, arms open wide ready to tackle her with your hugs, and then you both roll around laughing. And I will never thank God enough for giving me a daughter who seeks love as much as you do, because it teaches me to let the house work and unimportant things go so I can give you that love.
Someone once said, “She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a
splendid adventure.” No matter how much I comb your hair it is always just a little wild. No matter how many times I wipe your face it will always have pen marks and food dried to your cheeks. No matter how much I try to calm you and get you to engage in quiet play, you will still run around singing loudly, laughing till you fall to the floor and moving as fast as your chunky little legs will allow you.
Life with you is forever on the go and I never know what you will do next. But you my dear, are a splendid adventure. I love watching you grow and discover. I cherish these days when you are little, and I look forward to the days we have to learn and grow together.
Thank you for teaching me, loving me when I am not perfect, and being a reason to smile every day.
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